Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Trust Me On This One

My only sister is having her first child soon, and I already have three. I definitely won that round of sibling rivalry. I have more and she has less.



Ugh. Just give me a consolation prize and brand me like livestock. Second place again.  

I do know some things she doesn't, though, and after years of listening to parenting advice from her, I have a few words of wisdom of my own.


Dear Kelley,

Welcome to the club.

The first rule of the club is that we don't talk about the club.
Just kidding. Don't be scared.

You can do this.

But there is no more time for small talk.

 Buckle up, remove all jewelry, and try to stay in an upright position.

Hire an assistant and keep the maid. You will need her.

Pre-write apology letters to your husband, and anyone else you may ignore when you think they don't understand what you are going through. I can write my own if it helps, and you can just sign your name.

Don't bother clipping coupons to save money. You will be too tired to remember them anyway.

Learn to brush your teeth really fast. Learn to shower even faster.

You will never use the bathrom alone again. Ever.

 Your mother-in-law will be your new best friend, but she likes to babysit so keep that in mind. 

Don't turn the radio up when you are driving, because your child will realize that you like the song and drop their pacifier/snack/sippy cup every time it plays. Don't give yourself away.

Are you SURE it's not twins?

Try to offer healthy foods, but know this: There is a vegetable boycott coming. It is a proven fact that you will, at some point, have squash in your hair.

You can throw your alarm clock away. You'll never need it again.

Your husband will see an entirely different side of you. Say goodbye to any pride you still have.

Trying to sleep when the baby sleeps is pointless. Who can sleep with a sink full of dishes and laundry strewn about?

You can call me at 3 am if you need to. I will most likely be awake, packing someone's lunch.    

And guess what else?

This is important, so pay attention. I know Mom made us take that speed-reading class, but don't speed-read right now.

I love you.

You are going to be a great mother.

I believe in you, and so does everyone else.

And a few months from now, if you can't figure out where your life went - look down. It's right in front of you.

So hold on tight.

Enjoy the ride.

And, as Dad would say...

Trust me on this one.


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